dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
