he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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