I just threw up on my dentist
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
