I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
