My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
