Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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