like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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