I'm going to jail i love you
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
