Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
