I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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