yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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