I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
