Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
