margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND