I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
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You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
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Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.