I haven't been this sober since birth.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
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Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
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Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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