So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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