I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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