just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
