The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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