im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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