His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
