How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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