I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
