i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
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you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
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I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
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