Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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