You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
