im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
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this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
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I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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