i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
