Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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