think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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