Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
