You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
