He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
