My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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