i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My vagina just clenched in fear
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
