my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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