My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
