$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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