Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
