Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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