Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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