i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
