My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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