i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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