Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
