I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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