Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
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so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
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I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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