I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
