Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
