I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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