Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
