Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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