Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
