Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
there's paper in my vomit.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
