The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
