i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
