I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
