WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
