I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
